Thursday, April 18, 2013

Commitment: Getting Real, Staying Real, Following Through

I think it would be fair to say that a commitment isn't much of a commitment if it didn't require you to work through issues that surface along the way.

Exercise has been a hurdle I have had to climb for a while now in recent years. It is time to get real. At the risk of seeming self-indulgent, I am going to blog my way through whatever issues arise on this marathon adventure.

Wow. Last night I went to bed with such euphoria and sense of excitement for what lay ahead. This morning I woke up sore, not particularly excited to take Rusty for his morning walk, and craving more than the 8 hours sleep I received. I can almost feel the excuses lurking in the back of my mind that would rationalize why I should not fit in a 3 mile run/walk today as scheduled.

This issue may not seem like much of a stumbling block. It's a 3 mile run/walk.  However, this is the root of most of my life issues. If I make a commitment to another person to do something for them, short of being at death's door, I will push through anything that arises to get the job done for them. Yet if I make a commitment to myself, I have a lousy record of achieving  sustained follow through. Eventually my plans for myself crumble. Hence the focus on planning this time around.

If I am being completely honest, I have discovered some things about myself recently in acting class that I am seeing has had a rather pervasive effect in my life. Isn't it funny how you can have something active in your life for years but you never allowed yourself to see it until you were ready?

As much as I have tried to let go of the "victim mindset" that came with being severely bullied throughout my teens, I simply shifted to a  "people-pleaser" in hopes of avoiding attracting bullies in my life. Instead, they took on different, slightly more tolerable forms like a friend who no one understands why I keep in my life as he says really nasty things but I smile through it with a cigarette or a plate of food to make it more palatable. I have stuffed down so many damn emotions over the years, going to the gym is dangerous! Workouts flush the nicotine out and that is like setting the fuse of a very large stick of dynamite slowly working towards an explosion of emotion.

My challenge? Making RUNNING the medicine for the emotional issues that will come up instead of cigarettes and food.  I truly believe my addiction to cigarettes is less physical and more mental/emotional as I have not found a better tool for stuffing down emotions.  You'd think as an actor I would see the stupidity of this as it is only a roadblock to my becoming a more emotionally available and dare I say more successful actor.

Ugh... I hate talking about this stuff publicly as it feels more than a wee bit self-indulgent after a while. Yet, I am over this people pleasing crap. I want to follow through on the things I know are important to MYSELF.

It is odd that my whole urge to run the LA Marathon came from not wanting to give in to the fear generated by those terrorists in Boston. Yet, hasn't that been exactly what I have been doing to myself for years? I have been allowing those F@#$#$ "teen aged terrorists" in my childhood neighborhood to shape my behavior as an adult without realizing it.  What the F%$@%! is that about?! I'm sick of this crap holding me hostage to the past! Time to exercise my way out of "Victim Land" for good.

Look out folks, it's gonna be hitting the fan on this journey!

I am either gonna deal with my demons on the road and the gym or I am going to remain stuck in my FEAR with cigarettes and Doritos  to keep me company as I rationalize why I am still out of shape and my career is stagnating. No pressure. Just follow through.

Well... I didn't create a blog to just write about the good stuff.

Jeez... I am only halfway through Day 2.
I think I need to listen to my "Marathon Mantra" for strength! :)

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