Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Bigger The Obstacle, The Bigger The Opportunity

I have a very good friend who is a very big pain in the butt! He has a habit of amusing himself by pushing at peoples' buttons under the quiese of "humor". He does it with everyone. Add in the fact he is a bit A.D.D., the combination can make him appear like an insensitive jerk who drives you CRAZY in a seemingly unending fashion. In my current state of nicotine detoxification, I quickly reached my saturation level with his humor.

Last night we had it out. What started out as a rational discussion got heated like two lions engaged in a "verbal" battle for dominance. We put it all out there. Eventually, we agreed to disagree and decided to start fresh..

I let his apartment because I was meeting another friend who was gonna help me with an audition I had this afternoon. I was in such a state, I could not get myself focused so my head was in the game professionally.

When I got home I was still fuming that my close friend felt I am always overreacting while I felt he needed to learn when to stop pushing people's buttons when it is clearly bothering them. They are called "buttons" for a reason, push them enough and you are playing with fire.. This has been the one issue we continued to have with one another for years.

Frustrated that I allowed this situation to affect my rehearsal, I decided to take a step back and address why I was still angry after agreeing to a fresh start. I don't believe in accidents or coincidence. Clearly this was all happening over and over for a reason.

I decided to say okay... if I AM overreacting, what is the lesson the Universe is trying to tell me? What am I resisting learning that my friend is unknowingly providing me the opportunity to see about myself? I was suddenly reminded of my "light bulb" moment of a few weeks ago!

I took things out of the personal and saw that I was not "living my beliefs". If I believe that you create your life through your thinking and the only thing you have control over is how you think about something, than I am actually giving over my power to the whims of others.

No one can affect your joy unless you let them. I can't change him. I can only change me. I was trying to make him stop "pushing my buttons". I should be focusing on why I am choosing to let his words trigger me rather than see his actions as a reflection of his issues. not mine.  This is easier said than done, but it is completely do-able.

The Universe gave me a gift and I am taking it.

I am not saying I accept or condone my friend's choices but those are his to make. My choice is to keep my head focused on my path, not anyone else's. When my buttons got pushed, I got stuck in trying to be right rather than happy.

I decided to choose HAPPY. 

It was like a cure for toxic poisoning. My mind stopped obsessing and I was finally able to seriously work on my audition piece.

The audition itself, another journey to a new casting director over at the Paramount Studios lot, was fun and better than I could have hoped for.

My priorities are now getting in order. Another veil of nicotine avoidance removed. I was stuffing my emotions down with nicotine, blinding me to a lesson I still needed to address that will not only help me as a person and an artist..  

This road I am on is filled with many obstacles and potential roadblocks. Personally. Professionally.. Mentally. Today, I have cleared years worth of baggage from my "trunk of emotional debris". Dare I say, I have a lighter load and a better sense of my own power to direct my course?

In a manner of speaking, I have stopped being a passenger and became the driver of my life.

I guess there is value in living your belief system. Go figure.

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