Monday, October 1, 2012

Finding My New Normal

I guess in retrospect it is a bit stupid to think at these early stages of living smoke-free that I would get by with only one post on the subject. I am discovering just how much I have used smoking as a tool to suppress my feelings. Ultimately, all I am doing is building myself an emotional prison.

Yes, smoking has helped take the edge off of a lousy audition but it has also been how I have allowed myself to accept toxic relationships. Now, it is almost impossible to put up with anything requiring a degree of patience on my part. Perhaps, in time, my patience will improve. At present, I have no patience whatsoever. I am attempting to give situations a "grace period" in terms of making major decisions at this time because I have yet to find my "new normal". The only thing I know for sure is that I would rather deal with my feelings as they come up rather than let them eat me up while I pretend things are fine. The question is how do I get to that place of balance?

I may need to stay in hibernation for a bit longer.

On Friday, I had a friend call me and let's just say he chose the wrong day to be an asshole to me. I was so overwhelmingly "PISSED OFF"! I expressed myself fully. It was not pretty. I would say I was overreacting but this friend enjoys pushing my buttons. I finally decided that I no longer have any interest in accepting toxic behavior from anyone I call my friend at anytime. If this friend gets it, than we can stay friends. If not then life goes on. I may be feeling things more intensely at the moment but this fact does not change. 

"You teach people how they treat you." 


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