“Moving into a New Chapter of My Life”

To give a little background, I became a Nichiren Buddhist on February 25, 2017. That is the day I received my gohonzon and began chanting consistently. To help myself dive deeper into understanding my Buddhist practice, I started writing a newsletter for the members of the Van Nuys Sherman Oaks district to which I belong.

Below is an article I wrote for the March newsletter which will be the first of a few articles I repost here to help explain 2018 and the new chapter of my life that began ironically on the first anniversary of my becoming a Nichiren Buddhist.

    “Moving into a New Chapter of My Life”                                                               by Kevin D’Arcy

Life is strange.  Since I have been doing these newsletters, I have been enjoying a mental countdown to my first anniversary as a Nichiren Buddhist.  As the day approached I was frustrated wondering if I am learning enough and wanting to get to that place where aspects of the practice are imbedded in me in the way that aspects of being Catholic have been.  I had a week of great conversations with folks reminding me to take it all to the Gohonzon. 

Then suddenly, my anniversary arrived and it was the absolute last thing on my mind.  You see at 2:45 am I was awake in bed with a weird case of insomnia. I had just turned off my lamp when I received a text from my sister in Philadelphia.  I called to discover my mother had passed away peacefully in her sleep.  Since that moment I have been wrestling with insomnia and the surreal nature of my life since I received the news.  I am not going to pretend that in this short period of time I have learned any monumental life lessons I can share in a 1000 words or less. 

In the last few days I have laughed and cried with my siblings more than we have in years. None of us have fully come to grips with this change in our lives. 

I would like to share what I posted on Facebook because I needed to say something to people but I could not say the words my mother died without gasping for air and filling with tears.  Here goes:

Today, I expected to be celebrating my first anniversary as a Nichiren Buddhist. Instead, I am mourning the loss of my Mum, who passed away peacefully in her sleep in the early hours of the morning. I have not slept yet. My body says SLEEP but my mind is just not ready.
I am comforted in the fact that when I came home last July, I made a point of not leaving anything unsaid.

That kind of has been my motto with my mother since I was about 21/22 years old. The scariest moment of my life was the moment before I sat down at our kitchen table and told my mum I was gay. In that one moment I took the risk of believing she was the mother I knew she was and I was a part of the family I believed we were. I recognized I was lucky my mother never for a second flinched in letting me know she loved and accepted me no matter and thankfully my siblings did the same. I recognized that I was lucky as so many LGBT folk lose their family when they come out. I never lost a thing.
From that moment on I cherished that gift and wanted her to know I was there for her as much as she was there for me. I know I drove her crazy many times forcing her to talk about what bothered her and confronting her on issues she stubbornly held onto. They were not always pretty conversations but I wanted her to know we could always be real with each other. My mum was a strong, complex, loving mother. She was also a serious DIVA and I loved that about her. :)
I treasured our weekly Sunday chats over the years. I will remember all the laughter we shared, all the telephone kisses, and all the small precious moments of simply making time for one another on a Sunday afternoon.
I am writing all this because I am feeling so much, but when I go to say the words to someone new that she is gone, I can't seem to breathe. I know this is a rite of passage we all must face one day. I just wished today was not that day. I wanted more time but this is the time the Universe has allotted us.

Every time I think the well is dry, the water returns. I can't stop the tears from coming because I can't wrap my brain around the idea I will never hear her sweet, accented voice again. RIP, Mum! I love you....

I would like to say thank you to the ladies of the West Group of Van Nuys Sherman Oaks District who truly helped me get through last Sunday and for all the thoughts and words of comfort I received from all of you, they were much appreciated.

I don’t believe in coincidences. So, in the years to come, I look forward understanding why my mother’s death and my gohonzon conferral anniversary have been forever entwined. Δ