Thursday, September 26, 2013

"Resistance is Futile"

Can you tell I am a "Star Trek" Nerd from the title of this post? Haha. No. I am not talking about the "Borg" but an enemy far worse- my deeply rooted, carefully hidden, anger. Who'da thunk Mr. Happy was actually a "simmering pot of bottled up rage"?     

The biggest challenge I have been addressing over the last few weeks is getting real with my thoughts and their impact on my experience.

The subject arose in a discussion post on Blog Catologue about what brings meaning to your life. That discussion had me voicing my views freely and honestly.

Since then, I have been asking myself how am I doing with living my Life. Am I actually living it according to how I think I am or am I perhaps fooling even myself?

As days passed, I found myself surfing the web and came across a video in which a gentleman was speaking about this subject. He said folks are often dissatisfied with their current living situation and complain that my life is not going as I want it. He pointed out that it is impossible for your life to be anything other than what you have thought it into being. You made choice after choice that led you smack dab into your current life experience. He suggested if your life is not as you would like it to be, look at the choices you made that led you there. Look even further at the thoughts you allowed your mind to entertain that led you to the choices which then led to the experience. Simply put, align your thinking to the life you want.

Wow, That kinda makes a lot of sense. As I allowed myself to be conscious of if this was true in my own life, I found something surprising. I was buying into my own "bull". Underneath so many of my statements of positive expectation, there were one or two lurking thoughts that were quite self-defeating. I gradually saw as I tried to let those thoughts go, I resisted looking at where they were coming from. I just wanted the thoughts to stop.

As if taking on a life of their own, they grew and grew until I was pissed off! I was stuck, dwelling in anger at how I felt about how others treat me or how, I'm feeling trapped putting others' interests above mine. In the quiet of my apartment, with just Rusty and I around, my mind took me into mental arguments with folks in my life who were not anywhere around me but they sure felt like they were! 

I tried meditating and they pushed their way in. I took a shower, they invaded that space too!    

I picked up my copy of "Conversations with God" to get a little clarity or at least a moment of distraction. I cam across the line:

"What you resist, persists."

When you stop resisting, you stop giving your power away to that person, condition, or situation. My giving up "avoiding" and simply looking at why I was choosing to think/feel this way, was a bit of a revelation. I was afraid to make waves because I was lacking the confidence to simply say, "No." The anger allowed me to distract myself and shift blame. It was no longer my responsibility, I was being "forced" to do this or agree to that. When I looked right at my anger that seemed so out of control, I thought, "Wow". What a waste of time. 

How many times do we all agree to do something we don't want to do and instead of simply and politely declining, we "suffer" in silence, while mentally we are painting a picture of us as the " unappreciated hero"?

Forgive me if this is all mindless babble to whomever, may be reading. I am choosing to document this for later, when I find myself possibly having a "slip" into unending mental angry ranting, I want to re-read this post. Who knows how much time I will safe in the future.  Next time, I just have to remember that I wrote this post. Hopefully there won't be a next time but. I am a realist. :)

I have been learning alot about myself these days. Ingrained habits of negative thinking are just like weeds. If you aren't vigilant, they can take over what was once, and can be again, a beautiful garden.

Clearing out these pockets of anger, I know will make room for some positive transformation.

Life really is great when you think it is!!

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