Welcoming A Year of Victorious Living in 2019

It is early New Year’s morning as I upload this post and finally say good-bye to what has arguably been the most exhausting, challenging and emotionally draining year of my life. I have leaned heavily on my Nichiren Buddhist practice and the promise of this practice to get through some tough challenges. As a leader in our district, I found it important that I lead by example and do my best to face my fears and challenges as directly as possible. However, it was not until after our December Discussion meeting that I allowed myself to feel all there is to feel about what has been going on with me.

Mig and Sam last Saturday reached out to me to check in and set up a home visit.  It actually came  right at a time when I was needing guidance The holidays were here and I was missing my mum as this has been the first Christmas without her.  Also, if my health challenges were not enough, my car has decided to slowly die on me. With vacation time upon me and no district activities to distract me from my life, I recognized that I was dropping the ball with my practice.

There is something about walking that brings up exactly what is going on in my mind. Without my car I was walking everywhere. I tried to put a good spin on things because it was helping me to get my 10,000 steps a day in. However, as I walked, I noticed I was carrying around a lot of anger. Everything and almost everyone angered me. I saw quite clearly  I was making time to be there for others but I was not taking the time to “be there” for myself. It is not that I did know what I needed to do I just wasn’t really doing it. 

I expressed myself to Mig and Sam and received guidance that was most helpful. I’m not use to leaning on other people. It feels like a sign of weakness, but it is not in this practice. No one does this alone. Success comes from taking action and learning to seek guidance and support. 

I didn’t seek the guidance but I needed it. And in some strange way, it gave me the freedom to feel what I was feeling. As much as I am determined to lose the weight I need to lose and face my health challenges head on, in the quiet of my apartment, I have moments of fear deeper than I have ever felt. The idea of cancer being a part of my life experience and having to contemplate my own mortality for the first time is the stuff that insomnia is made of.

 I won’t lie, I have found it hard this week to chant for clarity and strength but when I did I found the clarity to not allow myself to wallow in sorrow for the sake of wallowing. So,the Sunday before Christmas, instead of being sad about my mum, I hopped on a metrolink train to spend the day with my cousins in Rancho Cuchamonga. I spent the day laughing, eating and getting recipes for Guyanese dishes my mum cooked when I was a child so I could cook them for myself in years to come. I felt her presence with me and that sadness went away.  


Christmas arrived.  I baked Guyanese meat patties and attempted to make ginger beer as I said good-bye to my old eating habits and embarked on a new path. For the moment, it is a six week journey following the guidance of Dr. Joel Fuhrman’s “EAT TO LIVE” plan. 

The concept is focused on not counting calories but increasing the consumption of nutrient rich foods like raw fruits and vegetables and eliminating “dead foods” so your body has time to heal itself from all the nutrients in the living whole foods. I am in the early stages of reading the book and understanding the process but if it works it holds the promise of not only healing my current health issue but also correcting my blood sugar and blood pressure difficulties as well. My success will as with all things require changes like I have never done before but I am determined. So far I am at the beginning stages of confronting my food addictions and having that dark night of the soul where you see your life with terrifying clarity. 

Of course, as I chanted for strength and understanding, my Buddha nature decided to give me guidance through my dreams. Let’ s just say, that last night, I had my own version of A Christmas Carol  where my mum who died this year, and my late boyfriend Johhny, who died in 1996, chose New Year’s Eve eve to let me know I had a choice to give up the fight and let Death win, or I can choose to LIVE in every sense of the word in 2019. To be clear, it won’t be easy but it requires me making the choice to stop mourning what could have been and making room for the new LIFE that begins for me in 2019.

I woke up this morning with “the chill of truth.”  Oddly, I felt a need to watch Meet Joe Black  where Death takes a holiday and falls in love.  I found myself at 7:00 am crying tears of joy because I recognized how much I have NOT been living and how much living, loving and growing I have to do starting in 2019. 

If you’ve never seen this movie with Anthony Hopkins, and Brad Pitt, watch it! It will remind you of the importance of living fully and allowing yourself that one “great love.” I want that for myself. 

I know, thanks to Mum and Johnny that this Buddhist practice came into my life at this exact time for a reason. I know it was a dream, but I can’t tell you how powerful it was to have forgotten they were both dead and feeling if only for a few moments that they were actually visiting me with the message to LIVE! So I find myself here, embracing this practice and making 2019 the new beginning I never before allowed myself to imagine was possible. Δ