Getting To Know Me, Getting To Know All About Me

As an actor, it is practically a job requirement to understand why you do the things you do and feel the way you feel so you can bring the most "humanity" to whatever role you play. I'd say it is not a bad way for anyone to live. The challenge is, it is not much fun being relentlessly honest with oneself. Sometimes "ignorance" truly is bliss.

At present I am wrestling with the challenge of  letting go of my inner "control freak" and truly enjoying the moment.

Last week, when I was on set or in the recording studio, "living in the joy" was easy. Today, as time has passed since I wrapped, the joy of the experience is waning and the pressures of the day-to-day issues are saying "hello".  Don't get me wrong, I am in a good place mentally and emotionally. It's just that damned inner control freak that wants more, wants to see what I can do to book again and keep this joy going.

I am realizing that I have not discovered the right balance between living in the present while planning for the future. The two cannot be mutually exclusive, surely. I have found some assistance with my meditative practice. I admit, I have had to lower my expectations as to what I will get out of meditation. Over the last few months, too many evenings I sat to meditate and felt like I was somehow failing miserably. Often instead of letting thoughts calmly drift away, I got lost in the thought, digging deeper into instead of releasing. No, I have not YET reached a place of feeling that nirvana state that comes with a quieted mind. If it comes, it comes. I have settled for the relaxation and calmness I AM experiencing. Currently it has allowed me to stop mentally spinning on some fear or frustration after my meditation time. It creates a little space to see my reaction is just my reaction and not necessarily the truth of the situation. This is just enough calmness to allow me to make better life choices.

I have lived for many years with the "Fake It Til You Make It" mantra. While it has its merits, I am noticing that it can become a useful mental way of stuffing your fears in a closet and avoiding addressing them  for the sake of appearing positive- even to yourself. In my calmer state, I am noticing the fear I've been avoiding is not really that big of a deal so why not see it, address it's relevance that let it go?

Yes, slowly but surely, I am making progress in this adventure of self-discovery.  Looking at those "scary" dark places we all hide away is turning out to be not quite so scary but humorous that I found them scary in the first place.

I guess, I am learning what patience in practical terms feels like, haha. My expectations of magical transformation through meditation may not have been very realistic. I'm just happy it has not proven to be a waste of time and effort but a practical tool in my arsenal for understanding myself that slowly diminishes the need or desire for unnecessary mental self-drama.

I am committed to living in the joy of my experience daily. I just want to do it without living in self-delusion. It is not impossible. However, it is something that requires focus and diligence, at least until some of it becomes a habitual mental approach.

Life is great when you let it!