1 Step Forward 2 Steps To The Nearest "Little Caesars"

What just happened? 

Before I could press "publish" on my last post, I got up, grabbed my keys and drove down the road to the nearest "Little Caesar's" Pizza place. It was almost surreal. The parking lot was full so I had to park two blocks away. I was literally racing against time to get a large pepperoni before the 10 pm closing time.   For some bizarre reason, I parked in the red zone and raced 2 blocks to get that damn pizza. I ran faster for that pizza than I did during the entire 3 mile trek. Now that says something.  What exactly, I do not know just yet.   

The good news is, I at no time considered running to the nearest 7Eleven for a pack of smokes. At the moment, I look at this pizza indulgence as an acceptable temporary alternative. Hey... I can't change every bad habit at once. 

I will say, there is little chance I will mindlessly devour the whole pizza as I made the mistake of tuning into the new NBC series "Hannibal". There is no quicker appetite suppressant than an engrossing hour long story about a cannibalistic serial killer. The actor, Mads Mikkelsen, playing Hannibal is fantastic.

Wow, that was a weird moment in time.  I must be insane...I raced like a madman for a slice of pizza and now I am more interested in "Hannibal" than in eating anything.

I'm predicting a night of very strange dreams.

Another 3 Miles Done!

I may just call it a night early tonight. I completed my 3 mile run about 45 minutes ago. I have less euphoria and more of a craving to sleep. As I type this, Rusty who didn't go with me tonight, is snoring like a champ and making me sleepy.

I will say it was much better running on my own. As weird "withdrawal" induced thoughts arose, I found it easy to let them pass along as my sore muscles made it too exhausting to get too attached to anything other than finishing my scheduled miles. This much I will say about tonight's run, my fat ass is so sore, I literally feel each muscle as I walk. If that is not proof that some about of ass fat has melted, I don't know what will!

"Eye of The Tiger", Man...

I have a feeling I am going to be listening to this song every single day. Whatever it takes. Okay. Facing facts... The roadblock "du jour" is powering through my cigarette addiction. Yes... I once again fell off the "nicotine free" wagon. I didn't talk about it or blog about it because, frankly, it is hugely embarrassing that this crutch has had such a hold on me! However, acknowledging it has been the tool to keep my emotions stuffed down gives me the mental window to address it. I am thinking, instead of focusing on "I need to quit smoking", I am going to focus on "I need to keep running". Cigarettes are just a "roadblock" to my marathon training. When the "dam" it has been supporting breaks, hopefully I will "RUN" through whatever crap floods to the surface.

Listening to this song gives me a boost so whatever works, baby. I've got about 6 hours until my scheduled 3 mile run/walk for the day. From now until then, I may just have this song ingrained in my brain. That's the beauty of music and film. It's not just the song but the inspiration to fight that I got from my love of "Rocky" that may just keep me going through these rough patches!.

I have always believed you are the sum total of your thoughts. It is about time I take charge of the thoughts I allow to take hold of my mind. Clearly my mental tape is in need of a script revision!     

Life is good! Even during the rough times.

"Eye of the Tiger", man!!

Commitment: Getting Real, Staying Real, Following Through

I think it would be fair to say that a commitment isn't much of a commitment if it didn't require you to work through issues that surface along the way.

Exercise has been a hurdle I have had to climb for a while now in recent years. It is time to get real. At the risk of seeming self-indulgent, I am going to blog my way through whatever issues arise on this marathon adventure.

Wow. Last night I went to bed with such euphoria and sense of excitement for what lay ahead. This morning I woke up sore, not particularly excited to take Rusty for his morning walk, and craving more than the 8 hours sleep I received. I can almost feel the excuses lurking in the back of my mind that would rationalize why I should not fit in a 3 mile run/walk today as scheduled.

This issue may not seem like much of a stumbling block. It's a 3 mile run/walk.  However, this is the root of most of my life issues. If I make a commitment to another person to do something for them, short of being at death's door, I will push through anything that arises to get the job done for them. Yet if I make a commitment to myself, I have a lousy record of achieving  sustained follow through. Eventually my plans for myself crumble. Hence the focus on planning this time around.

If I am being completely honest, I have discovered some things about myself recently in acting class that I am seeing has had a rather pervasive effect in my life. Isn't it funny how you can have something active in your life for years but you never allowed yourself to see it until you were ready?

As much as I have tried to let go of the "victim mindset" that came with being severely bullied throughout my teens, I simply shifted to a  "people-pleaser" in hopes of avoiding attracting bullies in my life. Instead, they took on different, slightly more tolerable forms like a friend who no one understands why I keep in my life as he says really nasty things but I smile through it with a cigarette or a plate of food to make it more palatable. I have stuffed down so many damn emotions over the years, going to the gym is dangerous! Workouts flush the nicotine out and that is like setting the fuse of a very large stick of dynamite slowly working towards an explosion of emotion.

My challenge? Making RUNNING the medicine for the emotional issues that will come up instead of cigarettes and food.  I truly believe my addiction to cigarettes is less physical and more mental/emotional as I have not found a better tool for stuffing down emotions.  You'd think as an actor I would see the stupidity of this as it is only a roadblock to my becoming a more emotionally available and dare I say more successful actor.

Ugh... I hate talking about this stuff publicly as it feels more than a wee bit self-indulgent after a while. Yet, I am over this people pleasing crap. I want to follow through on the things I know are important to MYSELF.

It is odd that my whole urge to run the LA Marathon came from not wanting to give in to the fear generated by those terrorists in Boston. Yet, hasn't that been exactly what I have been doing to myself for years? I have been allowing those F@#$#$ "teen aged terrorists" in my childhood neighborhood to shape my behavior as an adult without realizing it.  What the F%$@%! is that about?! I'm sick of this crap holding me hostage to the past! Time to exercise my way out of "Victim Land" for good.

Look out folks, it's gonna be hitting the fan on this journey!

I am either gonna deal with my demons on the road and the gym or I am going to remain stuck in my FEAR with cigarettes and Doritos  to keep me company as I rationalize why I am still out of shape and my career is stagnating. No pressure. Just follow through.

Well... I didn't create a blog to just write about the good stuff.

Jeez... I am only halfway through Day 2.
I think I need to listen to my "Marathon Mantra" for strength! :)

Accepting Inspiration When It Comes

I think I am still on a runner's high because it is 11pm and I feel really good! Rusty, however, is out for the count! Usually I am a bit stressed out and sluggish. I hope this is a sustainable benefit of  getting off my butt and exercising. :)

Before I go to bed, I have to send out a thank you to a Blog Catalog blogger friend, Michelle, for an inspiring post of her first big marathon experience in my hometown of Philadelphia!

We both were moved by the recent events in Boston. Shortly after my decision to commit to running the LA Marathon next year, I stumbled upon her blog post. It resonated to me as a confirmation from the "Universe" that I was somehow on the right track.

Reading her recounting of her adventure at the Rock n' Roll Philadelphia Half Marathon, I felt motivated to take action on my plan. The article got me thinking of "Eye of The Tiger" which I have adopted as my Marathon Mantra! Hey, I am a first generation born and bred Philadelphian..."Rocky" is almost a part of my DNA so even though the song may be old, it boosts my spirit in some primal way! haha! Who knows but it is a keeper for this new adventure of mine! Thanks, Michelle!

It also got me to consider checking out the Rock n' Roll Los Angeles Halloween Half Marathon on October 27th. I haven't committed yet but it feels like a nice training benchmark to help build my confidence for my trek to the big one in March 2014!

I love discovering what I see as confirmations from the Universe. Yes... it may be more of a sign of impending insanity but whatever gets me out running for MILES with a smile on my face is by definition INSPIRATIONAL!

If you get a chance, check out Michelle's blog if you want a little inspiration of your own. The post is "The Finish Line" dated April 16 www.michellesatkins.blogspot.com

MARATHON TRAINING DAY 1: Let The Adventure Begin!

Que Bueno!!! The adventure begins! I just finished my initial 3 mile run/walk training session. I thought it would be a painful start. I was pleasantly surprised that I not only survived but sort of enjoyed myself. ...Sort of.

I decided this journey would be more physically challenging and more intelligently planned. To start, I spent part of the afternoon creating a weekly plan that stretches from today until March 9, 2014. So far I have constructed the structure, mapping out all 47 weeks from now until race day. I have left space open under each day to eventually schedule in the miles I will run each day.  I am learning as I go. For now, I have the plan of sticking with a 3 mile run/walk routine everyday but Friday until I can comfortably run the 3 miles either completely or considerably more than I walk. Eventually I will adjust the schedule to include cross-training, short runs, speed runs and longs runs. However, for now I am taking things very slow and steady.

My goal is to run the LA Marathon within 4 to 4hrs.30min.   The last time I ran the LA Marathon I did it in 6hrs.30min. It was not fun and I felt delirious. In retrospect, my training plan was random and lacking much commitment. This time around, let's see what planning and hard work will allow me to accomplish!

Tonight, was a bit of a hot mess but I had enough distractions in play to keep my mind off feeling tired or wondering if I could complete the 3 mile challenge. I filled my ipod with a list of motivational songs , followed by a few beginner's lessons of Spanish. To add more brain confusion I took Rusty with me. At first we had a little trouble coordinating. When I started slowing to a walk to catch my breath, Rusty wanted to keep going then when I got my second wind, Rusty saw a lamppost, tree or telephone pole he had to suddenly stop at to sniff. After a while, we caught our stride and we started enjoying the evening breeze.

I think I will bring Rusty less and less as I move forward. Sadly, Rusty appears to be in better condition than I am. I want to reverse that scenario. If he ever gets loose or runs off his leash, I have no desire to run after a dog that I've trained to run for miles. Call me crazy but he is already fast. I don't need him getting faster.

I have much to learn but I am feeling good about the direction I am taking. Keeping things simple and working my plan looks like it might just work!

 
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Staying Defiantly Positive in The Wake of Boston Marathon Tragedy!

It has been difficult to feel much joy as the tragic story of the Boston Marathon bombing unfolds. My heart still breaks as I learn more of the death of eight year old Martin Richard and the injuries suffered by his mom and sister. While any loss of life is tragic, such a young life cut short as senselessly as those lost in the Newtown massacre simply gives one pause.

Whomever this terrorist is, he/she intended to spread fear and pain .

For whatever reason, this recent bombing has filled me with this overwhelming urge to sign up for the LA Marathon. It may seem completely stupid but, I don't like this feeling of helplessness, fear and sadness that seems to grow like a weed in one's soul. I don't want to let fear dictate what choices I make.

So, I plan to get training early, save money for the registration, and run next year through the fabulous streets of Los Angeles WITHOUT fear.

Life is short and MUST be ENJOYED! If not what are we doing? Surviving? Existing? Surrendering to FEAR? It sure isn't living.

I've run the marathon in the past but my training, frankly lacked much enthusiasm. Perhaps this time around, I may appreciate the journey and ENJOY each day just a little bit more. Who knows what tomorrow may bring so why not LIVE as FULLY as you can?!

I will keep you posted on my training adventure as it unfolds. I am definitely starting from scratch!

With a little luck I may even finally get into the "competitive" shape, personally and professionally, that I have yet to achieve as a result.

At times like this remember, LIFE is GOOD, if we let it!

My love to all. Whomever you are!

Rest in peace little Martin.